Stranger and Stranger Read online

  On the downside, there are no sidewalks in this town. Everyone parks their cars halfway up the lawns. Streets are too narrow and pavement too uneven for good street skating. Will have to keep an eye out for other skateable surfaces! Maybe a nice, smooth parking lot or empty swimming pool will turn up.

  Later

  On the upside, there is a tolerable junk shop in Silifordville, and as a little bonus it is next door to (and shares a Dumpster with) a hardware store! They may not keep late hours like Zenith did, but a Dumpster’s doors are always open to a kid with lock-picking skills.

  Later

  May need to get Raven back in the cage after all!!!!

  I think she must have overheard me telling Mom that I was going out to get to know the neighborhood. Anyway, when I got home from investigating Silifordville’s sewers around one a.m., there was a police cruiser parked in front of our house.

  SIGH! So soon, it begins…

  Naturally I hid in some bushes to scope the situation. In a couple minutes the front door opened and a policeman left, politely saying good night to Mom. Once he was gone, I hurried inside to find out what the flagbrakes was going on. It wasn’t good. Apparently Raven had taken it upon herself to go door-to-door introducing herself to the neighbors. From what Mom said, it went a little bit like this:

  [Loud knocking.]

  NEIGHBOR: Yes? Is everything all right? Who are you?

  RAVEN: Uhhhh…Raven.

  N: Well, it’s past midnight, Raven. What is it you want?

  R: Uhhhhhhhhh…Iono?

  N: Get off my porch, you!

  So, yeah, after a few blocks of this, Officer Thomas came and picked her up. Am very glad that I sewed our address on her shirt yesterday. (Would have preferred to tattoo it on her arm but reflected that I would have to cross it out and update it every 13 months or so.) Am also REALLY FARBING THANKFUL that he didn’t try any force on her, or there would be one badly broken police officer in Silifordville tonight. No, he just brought her home and gave Mom a talking-to about keeping her mentally slow daughter safe in the house, then (rather shyly) said she could always call him if Raven ever needed a personal escort around town.

  WHEW!!!!

  Not a great start for us in Silifordville, though.

  Later

  Raven and I have given the attic its first complete coat of white paint. UGH. We are both smudged and polka-dotted from head to toe. Wish I could take a bath in turpentine to get it all off me. Am hoping one more coat of paint will do it.

  At least Great-Aunt Millie was appreciative and levitated Raven until it got me laughing.

  Later

  Have finished reassembling my lab and its command center, my lovely, lovely Oddisee—better than ever, thanks to Raven’s help!

  Am anxious to restart all my various projects. Duplicator and Master Prank are top priority, of course. Am looking forward to a summer full of weird science and prankery. Hopefully the science will lead to more effective prankery!!!

  Also cannot wait to do more exploring, including closer surveillance of the neighbors, so I can learn their habits and weaknesses. Let the Summer of Silifordville begin!!!!!

  June 4

  golems getting on everyone’s nerves, 1; neighbors up in arms, 47

  Honking mugworts! Raven is causing more problems! Not sure exactly what got into her, but I suspect she is listening to my random comments to the cats about my plans and interpreting them as suggestions that she ought to act on. So anyway, during the day, while I slept, she wandered the neighborhood again, getting into random conversations, talking to birds, and generally weirding out the populace until the police brought her home. Of course Mom caught the worst of the trouble, as they started asking her hard questions about whether Raven wouldn’t be better off in some kind of institutional setting where she could be looked after properly.

  Anyhoodle. Mom has asked me to do something about Raven to prevent further family embarrassment. Am trying to figure out an acceptable solution. I mean, I worked hard on this round of programming, and it seems like such a waste to dumb her down again. And I NEED her to be smarter, to be a second set of hands for me. I’ve got a duplication device to build AND a Master Prank to mastermind! And I want to keep her. I mean, she’s one of my greatest accomplishments, this little golem of mine.

  The way I see it, Mom worries a bit too much about what people think. Man, we’ve been over this soooo many times, like when the Blandindulle neighbors complained about my weird weed garden in the front yard, which, OK, to be honest, didn’t exactly color-coordinate with the other gardens on the block and had been known to nibble on passersby.

  Or like that time the Buttston school nurse decided I was being neglected, just because I always wear the same outfit. And Child Protective Services didn’t even listen when I tried to tell them how lucky I am that Mom lets me wear what I want. Instead I had to see a shrink about why I want to wear the same thing all the time. Lucky for me the guy was half asleep and incompetent. I bored him out of his head talking about science experiments, and after two sessions he told them I was perfectly well-adjusted. Mom and I laughed our cheeks off when it was all over, but, needless to say, I’m pretty sure she suffered all kinds of guilt and anxiety over that one.

  Hmm, may need to work out some kind of compromise with Mom after all. Ugh, maybe later. Am itching to do some more Silifordville exploration.

  Later—out and about…

  Cats and I have done some preliminary patrols of the neighborhood, getting the lay of the land and scoping the neighbors. Got most of their names off mailboxes and have done some minor spying. Just need to know what I’m up against, in a general way.

  Later

  Morning—time for me to be in bed, but Mom needed to discuss the Raven Issue. I started off by telling her that I thought she’d been through enough on my behalf, and didn’t need the neighborhood gossiping about my golem and asking pointed questions about whether Raven has a soul, and where I got the body parts I made her out of, and whether it might be appropriate to ask the FBI to come take a look at her.

  MOM: Yeah, well, I don’t think anyone’s going to ask THOSE particular questions, E.

  ME: Really? Then I guess we’re good, right?

  M: Um, not really. First of all, if Silifordville is anything like Blandindulle, then half the men in town are going to have crushes on her within a week. And you know that’s only going to lead to trouble.

  ME: Oh, right. Like, fistfights and stuff?

  M: [Rolling her eyes.] Yeah, and stuff. And what happens when I start getting the calls about my beautiful but slow-witted daughter, who’s up on the neighbor’s roof chatting with birds? How about when she accidentally puts someone in the hospital?

  ME: OK, Patti…why don’t I just donate her to science? Would that solve the problem?

  M: Hey, no need to get sarcastic. I’m just saying, you brought her into the world, so you have to be responsible when she gets into trouble.

  ME: Hmph.

  Am now upstairs pondering the problem. Am feeling crabby, as I always do when Mom wraps up discussions with pointed comments that are clearly meant to reflect on ME. But also…seeing her point.

  Later—middle of the day

  I should not be awake, but the household is in an uproar, and once again it is Raven’s fault. Before I went to bed, I’d instructed her to spend the day cleaning up the house and yard. I mean, I was only trying to do something nice. How was I to know that Mom would step outside into what looked like a terrifying uprising of rotting animal zombies?

  Yeah, so, I was awakened by horrific screaming and went down to scope the situation. Neighbors had gathered, Raven was covered in dirt, Mom was hysterical, and the yard was full of small skeletons, mummies, half mummies, and a few of your average bloated, putrefying carcasses.

  I had to perform a little down-’n’-dirty detective work to determine whether there had been any foul play. It was fascinating, but all good things must come to an end eventually.
r />   ME: [Glancing up finally to see crowd of neighbors still standing around, looking horrified.] It’s all right. I think it’s safe to say that these birds, squirrels, snakes, lizards, possums, and raccoons died in the normal course of Nature.

  NEIGHBOR #1: [To Mom.] What’s…wrong with her?

  MOM: [Nervously.] Nothing! She’s just…scientifically minded!

  NEIGHBOR #2: That stuff is like rilly gross.

  NEIGHBOR #3: Man, do you really need to do…THAT…to a squirrel to know that it’s dead?

  ME: [Staggering to feet. Lurching toward neighbors. Gargling slightly.]

  NEIGHBORS: GAHHH! AIIIEEEEEE! [Dispersing. Very quickly.]

  Mom was not super pleased at my Igor impression. It took several minutes of sweet talk for me to convince her that it was a funny joke and sure to improve neighbor relations in the long run. I also persuaded her that we can hardly blame Raven for not knowing that rotting animal bodies are an acceptable feature of a clean yard.

  Mom made sure I clarified to Raven that rotting animals belong UNDERGROUND.

  Raven corrected her mistake.

  Am going back to bed.

  June 5

  incredible obstacle courses discovered, 1; incredible obstacle courses conquered, 0

  Have been treed by a ferocious canine!!

  The cats and I were working on a nice new set of covert paths through the neighborhood, and had made some great progress when we were thwarted by one of the nastiest dogs we have ever met!!! All we were trying to do was use his yard as a passageway between the O’Donnells’ and the Kawamotos’, and now he’s acting like we want to destroy his precious food/owner/piles of poop/yarbles/whatever it is dogs care about. Am up in the tree right now, waiting it out. Hideous drooling dogbeast shows no sign of leaving.

  While I’m up here writing, might as well take notes on the rest of what happened tonight, since it’s actually kind of historical: I’d built a nice makeshift ladder on the O’Donnells’ side so I could climb the fence, which really is unusually high; and then Mystery charged up it before I could even step on the first rung, so I let her do her thing; but when she got near the top, she slowed way down and her whiskers vibrated and she started hissing, which told me there was some kind of alarm system to disarm first.

  So, this is a little bit embarrassing to write, but I actually spent a good FIFTEEN MINUTES or so just LOOKING for the stupid alarm system, and when it didn’t turn up, had to move on to Plan B and install some polythermal-shielded ceramic discs on the fence boards where I intended to make my entry. Luckily that did the trick, and I was over in no time.

  I had just shimmied down the fence, and right away this massive slavering German shepherd/St. Bernard/grizzly bear was there threatening to amputate something for me. Cats bailed right away, and who can blame them? Luckily I’d had the foresight to tie a bungee cord around my waist and hitch it to a nearby tree, so I was able to scramble up out of reach of his ghastly snapping jaws without losing any precious flesh.

  So, here I am, hanging out in this tree plotting my next move. The cats are standing in the O’Donnells’ backyard looking up at me with their sympathetic “humans are awfully dumb” look, and I know they think I should give this one up and make us a nice safe route from the O’Donnells’ to the Martins’ instead. But I don’t think I can let this yard go quite so easily. It’s HUGE, and most of it seems to be an awe-inspiring obstacle course full of bizarre terrain and equipment. Get the dog out of the picture, and I could have a LOT of fun here.

  According to my notes from the other day, the name on the mailbox at this house is “Venus Fang Fang.” For reals!!!!!! Cannot wait to see what SHE looks like.

  Dogbeast is not leaving the tree. If anything, he is getting more frantic that I’m still here. Am a little concerned he may start barking and I will soon find out what Venus Fang Fang looks like when she’s yelling at intruders.

  OK. Am bungeeing to safety in the Martins’ yard. Will come back when I have a plan.

  Later—back at home

  For once, Raven has not been up to any trouble while I was out and about, for the simple reason that I left her locked in the antique birdcage with a strict command not to leave it until I returned. I will just have to keep her caged from now on when I’m not around to supervise.

  Have reflected that it’s a good thing Mom can’t (doesn’t) keep ME caged when she’s not around to supervise!

  Later

  Raven and I have finally (FINALLY) finished painting Great-Aunt Millie’s attic white. I can’t say I don’t like it. Even if I prefer the attics we leave dark and dusty. This room has a certain expanding effect I don’t really feel in my all-black, comfortably cluttered room.

  Why white paint???

  Anyway, the best part is that it’s DONE. YESSS! I can now get back to work on the duplication device. Have visited junk shop/hardware store Dumpster for supplies, unpacked radiac abrasive lightning rod, dismantled my Popsicle-stick prototype, and am now hard at work building Duplicator 2.0. Some progress, but not as much as I’d hoped. Have been sitting here running simulations on the Oddisee for a couple of hours, and I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out how to make good 3-D replicas of pretty much anything, as long as it’s not alive. It’s the little problem of duplicating living stuff that is still unsolved.

  Am feeling very motivated to figure this out. This is going to be the most amazing Master Prank I’ve ever pulled off!!! Am also feeling the need to duplicate Raven. That way I can keep a spare hidden in our basement, in case something ever happens to the original. Would not put it past Silifordville to incarcerate my golem!

  Later

  Am being distracted from duplication project by funneee photos coming through on the cat-cams. Here are a few of the highlights:

  Sabbath thinks outside the box!!!! AHHHAHHAHHAHAAAA!

  Later

  Back on task. I managed to duplicate a tape-worm—sort of. The duplicate seems kind of flimsy and colorless, and disintegrates after a few seconds, AND is not actually alive, so I can’t really call it a success.

  Have asked the Magic 8 Ball a bunch of times what I’m missing, but so far the responses have run the gamut from useless to insulting: from “LENTILS” to “WHY IS A DUCK?” to “MISSING? LIKE A FOX!” Am somewhat demoralized. Daylight is coming. Drasty fladbax, I need a breakthrough!!!!!!!

  June 6

  breakthroughs achieved, 0; skate “parks” discovered, 1; skate “parks” conquered, 1

  Worked on the duplication project for a while, then decided I could use a change of scenery and some fresh evening air to help me think outside the box. (AHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH.) Cats and I have been tooling around Silifordville. Aside from its excellent sewers, it’s really just your regular basic ordinary typical normal town. Small, but not remarkably small. It’s got all the standard features a smallish town should have. The townspeople do not really deserve to have a sentence written about them, but here we are midsentence, so I might as well record that they are just your regular basic ordinary typical normal townspeople. SIGH! Boring.

  Cats and I have given up the search for oddities, quirks, peculiarities, anomalies, and eccentricities in Silifordville and are now hanging out in a small park near the high school. The park features a basic half-pipe with a tight transition and not much flat bottom—rides kinda fast. And a couple stationary rails for grinding. Standard light graffiti. Crushed soda cans. Litterbugs.

  Have skated the stuffing out of everything. Somewhat fun but also somewhat pathetic. It’s been more entertaining just to sit on the bench with Mystery, watching the boy cats amuse themselves on the ramp and rails. Good times!

  I have half a mind to bring some tools and lumber here tomorrow night and build improvements but am doubtful whether the local teens deserve this. Will probably do it anyway, since there are so few skateable alternatives in this town. (Note: Skateable Alternatives sounds like something I would have named a band…when I was like four.)

  Later

&n
bsp; Alarm! Alarm! I hear teens approaching in the distance. Am slinking into the bushes.

  Later

  Seven of your regular typical normal boring teens have arrived to skate their little park. I refuse to write another sentence about how standard, basic, average, and common they are.

  —Oops.

  Later

  Had to resort to the sewers to get home without being seen by local teens. Did not have my sewer-diving suit with me and got home in an unspeakable state. On the upside, the stuff I scraped off my shoes and clothing has sparked a bit of a brainwave involving the jar of liquid black rock that I brought back from my ancestral home. I know that generations of scientists in my family used the stuff in all kinds of experiments, but until now it hasn’t occurred to me (I blame the move) to try it in the duplicator project. Anyway, am getting down to work now. Will write more later.

  LATER—OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN

  UNBELIEVABLE NIGHT!!!!

  I AM A SCIENTIFIC GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!

  OK. Will slow down and start at the beginning.

  That little brainwave on the liquid black rock was definitely what I’d been waiting for. Not that my success was easy. I tried this and that: dabbing the tarlike black rock on the transponder, spraying a fine mist of diluted black rock on the capacitor, hooking up an IV drip of black rock to the modulator, etc. And finally got my first good results: I soaked the motherboard in black rock, then hooked everything back up and turned on the power, flipped the switch, and BAM, I had TWO identical, living, squirming tapeworms instead of one.