Dark Times Read online

  Rob Reger and Jessica Gruner

  Emily® the strange

  Dark Times

  Illustrated by

  Rob Reger

  dedicated to Wilder Waters

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Sept. 1

  Sept. 2

  Sept. 3

  Sept. 4

  Sept. 5

  Sept. 6

  Sept. 7

  Sunday, August 8, 179O

  Monday, August 9, 179O

  Tuesday, August 1O, 179O

  Wednesday, August 11, 179O

  Thursday, August 12, 179O

  Friday, August 13, 179O

  Saturday, August 14, 179O

  Sunday, August 15, 179O

  Monday, August 16, 179O

  Sunday, October 23, 179O

  Sept. 7 (second time)

  Appendix A

  Appendix B

  Appendix C

  Also Strange

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Sept. 1

  Duntzton: Another town, another diary . . .

  Have been busy busy busy with packing, moving, and unpacking my stuff, but FINALLY made it out of the house this evening to scope our new town and pick up some back-to-school supplies1—just the basics:

  New journal (1) (obviously)

  Assorted pens & pencils (red & black ONLY)

  Glue (1 gal.)

  Structural assay parsers (10)

  Watercolor paints (13 sets)

  Folders (3)

  Assorted test tubes (3 doz.)

  Bunsen burner (1)

  Sticky notes (baker’s doz.)

  Rolls of tape (1 gross)

  Biomass (66 lbs.)

  Index cards (3 doz.)

  Driveshaft (1)

  Some of these items are direly needed for construction of a new PrimevilPowerCase. Having only one PPC has become a huge bummer lately since I can only use it to power one major invention at a time. That’s all well and good until I decide I want my Oddisee™, my Ambiplasmatron, and my Tilt-A-Girl™ functioning simultaneously.2 And unfortunately some of these parts are super spendy, not to mention hard to find in the sort of backwater towns Mom and I usually find ourselves in.3

  Anyway, have decided it is high time I put together at least one more PPC. Have introduced myself to Mr. Wilson, owner of the local hardware store, which also happens to be the local thrift store, the local sundries store, and the local antique store. Man, Duntzton is small. Made arrangements for after-hours shopping, access to special-order catalogs, AND a student discount.

  Regrettably, Wilson insists that I show some current student ID to receive said student discount. Even more regrettably, I have no student ID more recent than sixth grade. I did try my usual M.O. of introducing the owner of the local hardware store to my golem. Typically, this results in the owner falling hopelessly under the spell of Raven’s bewitching beauty and giving me the biggest possible discount on purchases, with no ID needed. Wilson appears immune, however. Maybe he already likes someone else, or maybe the parched husk of his shriveled soul understands nothing of LURRRRVE. Blagfarx!

  Am now considering getting enrolled in school, if only for the ID. Chances are pretty slim that the Duntzton educational system has much else to offer me. Nothing against Duntzton, you know. It’s school as a general concept that doesn’t agree with me so well. Though I should be perfectly honest and say that due to the success of my lifelong efforts at avoiding school, I have only spent 13 days in actual classes. (Summary below.)

  Kindergarten, Day 1: Horrible shock to my system as I realized that unless I did something to avoid it, my year would be spent learning to stand in line, raise my hand before speaking, and share the safety scissors.

  Kindergarten, Day 2: Was expelled from school for vandalism. Hey, I was young.

  First Grade, Day 1: Left school with severe (severely FAKE!) case of scurvy.4

  Fourth Grade, Day 1: Was excused from school due to lice.5

  Fifth Grade, Day 1: Determined to make a real go of school this time.

  Fifth Grade, Day 2: Was expelled from school for vandalism. Hey, I was still young.

  Sixth Grade, Day 1: Dragged myself to classes yet again.

  Sixth Grade, Day 2: Continued to endure general school-related torment as stoically as possible.

  Sixth Grade, Day 3: Was excused from classes when a tornado destroyed most of the town. Sometimes you just get lucky.

  Seventh Grade, Day 1: Started school with open-minded attitude (and excellent Plan B).

  Seventh Grade, Day 2: With heroic generosity of spirit, gave school another chance.

  Seventh Grade, Day 3: Was expelled from school for possession of a contraband item.6

  Eighth Grade, Day 1: Was sent home owing approx. 1 million hours in detention for various “crimes” (mostly sass-related). Later, town officials decided7 that I did not need to attend classes.

  It’s not that I object to education. Not at all. I just haven’t found any in the schools I’ve been to so far. But I do want that ID, and I don’t mind at least checking out the Duntzton school. You never know—maybe they’ve got a wicked science lab, experimental music program, or slingshot range. And lots of Nobel Prize–winning teachers on staff. And night classes. And no other students. Yeah.

  Anyway, I’m going to wait for daylight and pay them a visit. Mom has been absentmindedly mentioning school for the past three days, so I may as well get a jump on the whole business and lay the groundwork for getting myself enrolled and (if the school doesn’t completely thrill me) subsequently excused for the year. No point in ruining a perfectly good autumn, winter, and spring with a lot of early wake-up calls, meaningless desk-warming, and insufferable people my age.

  Later

  Have unpacked and decorated my room, with expert help from Raven. Am patting self on back for perfecting her programming to this point. She is so well tuned these days that any outsider would think I was psychically commanding her. I might even say that she’s showing some initiative of her own. For example, when Sabbath was making a toilet out of my packing materials, and Miles was leaping from crash-test dummy to antique birdcage to taxidermied rhino in unfettered glee, and Mystery was yakking up some liquefied strapping tape, and Neechee was generally making a feline happytime carnival out of the unpacking and decorating effort, Raven went right downstairs to the kitchen and yelled “LIVER!” in that huge booming voice she has sometimes. Which got all four cats out of the room about five seconds before my head would have exploded. Now THAT’S earning her keep!

  Later

  OK, it’s finally business hours, am off to enroll myself in school.

  Later

  Visit to Duntzton school has been somewhat discouraging. Am glad I had my spy camera with me so I could document the terrifying spectacle that greeted me:

  Her name was Carol. Carol does not work and play well with others.8

  ME: Hi, Carol. I’m here to enroll myself in school.

  CAROL: Your parent or guardian has to do that.

  ME: I’m emancipated, so I am my own guardian. And I’m here to enroll myself in school.

  CAROL: Let’s see your documentation.

  ME: [Handing over my papers.9]

  C: This says you were emancipated when you were three years old.

  Me: Yep.

  C: Get out of my office, you!

  No worries. I did not really need to enroll in school to get an ID. Am moving on to Plan B.

  Later

  Success! I am now the proud bearer of a Duntzton school ID. Here’s how that went down:

  1. Left Carol’s office and wandered halls for a while.

  2. Liberated a lonely-looking clipboard from an unsupervised supply closet.

&nb
sp; 3. Stationed self outside random classroom, ear to the door.

  4. Listened until teacher hollered a student’s full name in that voice no school-age person can mistake for anything but the abject desire to be rid of Said Student.

  5. Entered said classroom, consulted clipboard, and summoned Said Student to the principal’s office.

  6. Waited for Said Student to be excused and to gather possessions.

  7. Closed the door behind us, then requested Said Student’s ID.

  8 . Patiently listened to Said Student’s vulgar protests and threats of violence.

  9. Gently explained to Said Student some of the more thought-provoking consequences of my request not being immediately granted.

  10. Collected student ID.

  11. Wrote Said Student a rock-solid pass excusing attendance at school for the rest of the day.

  12. Promised to return ID soon.

  13. Took ID home, and within five minutes had crafted this lovely gem:

  Later

  You know how they say life imitates art? Well, in my case, life also imitates lies.10 For example, it’s always been my habit, whenever some Adult inquires why I’m not in school, to casually respond, “Oh, I’m homeschooling myself.” I swear, if you say something casually enough, I don’t care how nonsensical it is, no one will question you. Anyway, I think that this year, I’m actually going to homeschool myself. If I present it to Mom as a done deal, she’s not going to complain. Hey, it’s better than me getting expelled again.

  All right. Have had enough daylight today to last me for months years the rest of my life. Am going to bed.

  Sept. 2

  Today's assignments:

  Place orders for PPC® components-13 points

  Fingerpaint portrait of Black Cat Posse-13 points

  Make copy of Mom's house key-13 points

  Practice grapples and groin kicks-23 points

  Have been to see Wilson at the hardware/antique/thrift/sundries store and put in my special orders. He was fairly abrasive, but it was a different kind of abrasive than the QUITE UNLIKABLE Carol down at the school, who is clearly mean to people because it brings joy to her petty little soul. No, Wilson is the kind of Grouch who simply has a Low Opinion of people in general, and therefore can’t be bothered to Make Nice. And who am I to argue with that?

  He delivered many scathing remarks about the oddness of my special orders. Remarks that only got more and more scathing the harder I laughed. In the end, having failed to put me in a bad mood, he demanded my student ID, then told me he was going to hold it until my orders arrived. What the flambams, I only made that thing for him anyway. I hope he enjoys looking at it for the next six to eight weeks!

  Later

  Found out at dinner that Mom called the school today and learned that I did not actually succeed in enrolling myself in classes. I had to explain what happened with Carol.

  MOM: She said WHAT? That’s ridiculous! I’ll go down there myself tomorrow.

  Me: Whoa there, Patti, I’ve got a better idea. You keep promising me we can try homeschooling. How about now?

  M: Oh, sure, it’s just so much paperwork, and . . .

  Me: Actually, I turned in all the paperwork earlier today.

  M: Oh. I see.

  Me: And I wrote up a really great curriculum for the year. Here we go: Current Developments in Particle Physics, Advanced Practicum in Krav Maga, Complex Number Theory, Great Poetry of the Thirteenth Century, and Fingerpainting.

  M: Don’t you mean Figure Painting?

  Me: Nope. Fingerpainting.

  M: You can take Fingerpainting for school credit?

  Me: You can take Fingerpainting for COLLEGE credit.

  M: But who’s teaching you these classes? I mean . . . I’ll fingerpaint with you, and discuss poetry, but when you get going on particle physics, I start to bleed from the ears.

  Me: I’ll be going to this place downtown for the Krav Maga. What’s it called . . . oh, Fight Club, very clever. Complex Number Theory—private lessons from a retired professor who lives two blocks from here. Great Poetry—online. Fingerpainting—uh, self-taught. And Particle Physics is mostly out of books and scientific publications. Now, if Duntzton HAD a particle physicist, I’d go talk to her. But they don’t.

  M: Well . . . but . . . I always kind of thought that if we ever actually tried homeschooling, I’d get to teach you a class myself.

  ME: Sure thing, Patti. What are you an expert on?

  M: Music theory, to begin with. You may shred on the guitar, but you still have a lot to learn.

  Me: Fine. Are we good, then?

  M: I think you could handle another academic subject. Maybe history?

  Me: Could you narrow that down? This is a three-credit class, and history’s kind of . . . big.

  M: K. Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.

  Later

  Am not sure whether to feel grumpy or excited about Mom teaching me history. I guess it’s all going to depend on her approach. I mean, I don’t mind a little history—certain parts have been fairly wicked. I even went to the trouble of building a Time-Out Machine a while back so I could go experience for myself some glories of the past. You know: Manhattan, 1974—the Ramones’ first show. Flamjax, that was awesome. Dawning of the Mesozoic era—I do love me some archosaurian reptiles. And Mom’s 13th birthday party—just in case I ever need blackmail material.

  Anyway, so what I’m saying is, I hope Patti is planning something AT LEAST equally exciting for this history class.

  Later

  Have been avoiding completing my assignments. Assignments that I assigned myself. SIGH. Am truly a procrastinator to the bone. TO THE BONE!!! Here’s what I have been doing instead:

  Rasslin’ with kittycats.

  Reorganizing record collection.

  Programming Raven to reorganize my record collection.

  Programming Raven to take care of various cat messes for me.

  Lying on bed, staring at ceiling.

  Installing secret compartments in walls and under floorboards of my room.

  Filling secret compartments with secret items.

  Writing menu of foods to be served at Yreka Bakery (e.g., strata tarts, snub buns, and naan).

  Writing list of hairstyles to be offered at Nola’s Salon (e.g., the Racecar, the Madam, and the Bob).

  NOT writing list of products to be sold at Elite Tile.

  Reengineering fuel duct shroud on Ambiplasmatron©.

  Using Complex Number Theory textbook to exercise my triceps.

  Halfheartedly testing various concoctions (tar, crude oil, extremely strong espresso) as substitutes for liquid black rock. No dice. Am hardly surprised.

  Later-daybreak, time for bed

  Mom has just been in to announce that she will be teaching History of the Strange Family. First class will be tonight. Am not exactly ecstatic with this choice of topic. I mean, I know some cool stuff about my Great-Aunt Emma, and I like Great-Aunt Millie just fine, but I fear that I am in for some excruciatingly tiresome lessons on long-dead relatives with whom I have nothing in common. GAHHH. Am going to sleep.

  Sept. 3

  Today's assignments:

  Return Said Student's ID-3 points

  Teach Sabbath location of litter box-13 points

  Make copy of Mom's house key (LATE!!)-13 points

  Practice grapples and groin kicks (LATE!!)-23 points

  Endure first session of Strange Family 1O1-63 points

  Woke up at nightfall and ate dinner with Mom. Somewhat grumpy at prospect of history class tonight. Am working on plans to get myself excused from it for the year. If only I had the components for the spare PPC, I could get the Time-Out Machine working without disabling my Oddisee. Then I could simply inform Mom that I am meeting my history requirements with good old-fashioned time travel. Oh flabberfarks!!! I keep forgetting11 that the T.O.M. requires liquid black rock to operate. Liquid black rock that I do not have. Grrrr! Am not real pleased. Am c
onsidering missing class due to illness.

  Later

  Have just finished my first session of Strange Family 101.12 It wasn’t 100% as terrible as I expected. Mostly because we discussed absolutely no family history. Instead, Mom presented me with course materials and requirements. Am pasting in a small excerpt for reference.

  That’s my mom: class-A specimen of Goofus spazticus.

  Despite her enthusiasm, I remain convinced that this class is going to be just as dry and tedious as I feared. Fingers crossed there is lots of unexpectedly juicy family gossip. My hopes are not high. Tomorrow’s class will feature guest speaker Great-Aunt Millie—live (well, sort of live) from her shoe box. I guess Mom is hoping that a poltergeist guest speaker will make family history slightly less boring. We’ll see about that.

  Later

  Just got home after roaming streets of Duntzton for a while. Not much going on. Went to the address on Said Student’s ID in order to return it, but that house is vacant. Trip was not a complete loss, though. Cats and I found a loose basement window and spent a satisfying half hour poking around in the random items left behind by former tenants. Man, I LOOOOOOOVE vacant basements!