Piece of Mind Read online

  —Some kind of commotion downstairs, more later—

  Later

  Oh gazcakes. Raven has just been escorted home by the police. Apparently she followed the cats out to the construction site of the new shopping mall, where guards apprehended her for trespassing and not wearing a hard hat. Disconcerted by her blank stare and lack of conversational skills, they called in the police. Luckily I had the foresight to stitch our address across the front of her shirt in bright red yarn. Thus, Mom was woken out of a deep sleep and forced to have a discussion with a certain Officer Pleasance regarding Raven and her special needs, especially her special need for full-time supervision. Their conversation was far too long for me to capture entirely, but it went a little something like this:

  OFFICER PLEASANCE:

  But ma’am, what I am trying to determine here is, is she or isn’t she normal?

  MOM:

  [Yawning ferociously.] Define “normal.”

  OP:

  Um, able to answer questions in complete sentences?

  M:

  Oh, c’mon. Izz four a.m.! Who can do THAT?

  Sheezzles! And the worst part is that OF COURSE Mom is holding ME responsible for Raven’s misbehavior—just because I made her!—and has asked me to keep her indoors. Actually, that’s NOT the worst part. The worst part is that I can’t remember my epic-saga inspiration. Am halting efforts to complete the List for now. Am feeling too stressed and put-upon to do quality work. Instead I am headed to the basement for a soul-soothing session in my sensory-deprivation chamber.

  Later

  Sensory-deprivation session was just the thing to get me going again. Have now completed items number one and number seven. Am regretting my compulsion to do all things in groups of 13. Would be through the list MUCH faster if I favored the number two.

  Later

  Am working hard on number ten and feeling really aggravated by how difficult it is to shoot a decent movie by myself. It’s just not right: Writers can write alone, painters can paint alone, but there are some pretty severe limitations to what a filmmaker can accomplish if she’s determined to truly be independent…i.e., not to involve any other humans. I mean, cats are great company on the set, but they’re very poor cinematographers, they hate wearing costumes, and they absolutely refuse to learn their lines.

  Of course, a major part of my problem here is the KIND of film I want to make. Left entirely to my own resources, I guess I could shoot a decent movie of, say, my feline Posse up to their usual hijinks. Or Raven sitting around with her mouth open. Or Great-Aunt Millie busy a-hauntin’. But that’s not what I see when I close my eyes. I see continents sinking below the waves; I see mitochondria prank-calling galaxies; I see giant purple vampire lobsters battling zombie prom queens…you know, COOL stuff.

  SIGH!

  Sun is coming up. Will revisit the List tomorrow!

  May 10

  Emily is the mother of invention.

  —Ancient Latin aphorism (paraphrased)

  Am not working on the List. Am in need of more soul-soothing. Have decided that tinkering around in my lab with various inventions-in-progress will help me feel less aggravated and more productive; therefore, in a roundabout way, letting me get MORE work done on the List.

  Thus I am hard at work on my latest creation: the TranscriptoSpy!

  This is a lovely little labor-saving device that records and prints conversations for me so all I have to do is tear off the transcripts and paste them in my diary. Writing them out by hand is so tiresome, and I end up taking too many shortcuts. Not good! I mean…just think where we’d be today without good transcription. We’d probably think the most important speeches of history went “a little something like this”:

  ABRAHAM LINCOLN:

  Four score and seven years ago…civil war…fitting and proper…died in vain…Yeah.

  MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:

  I am happy to join with you today…I have a dream…curvaceous peaks of California…Yeah.

  Clearly this is unacceptable. I need to record the facts, the nuances, the little details of what people say, if only so I can hold it against them later!

  TranscriptoSpy and remote printer!

  Later

  Have completed the TranscriptoSpy! Or, to be accurate, 13 of them. Have installed them in useful locations all over the house, including one soldered onto Raven’s neck and one hot-glued onto this very diary. Not only am I never handwriting a conversation again—I will have perfectly accurate transcripts of conversations that I’m not even present for. YeHeHesssssss!

  Here is the first conversation to come through on the feed:

  * * *

  Mom

  Ravin’, eye thought eye tolled ewe two dew the laundry!

  Raven

  Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…

  M.

  And wear is my sell phone?

  R.

  Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

  M.

  Owe my goodness. If ewe can’t manage too answer me, wood ewe please, at least, clothes yore mouth? Yore creeping me out!

  * * *

  AHHAHHAHHHHA.

  Am recalibrating.

  Later

  Calibrations are done, and the TranscriptoSpy is transcribing much better English now. Am very glad I took the time to complete this device! Am now looking through my archive of invention ideas to see if I can save myself any more time and/or continue to avoid the List by messing about in my lab instead. Ideally, I would find an invention-in-progress that relates to every unfinished List item. Then, paradoxically, I could COMPLETE my work while simultaneously AVOIDING my work. Will award myself many extra-credit points if I pull this off!

  Later

  OK—I may not be able to knock out Epic Poetry with an invention, but Independent Filmmaking is gonna be easy. I am going to build a ThoughtCorder!!!!!!

  This little item is (or will be) a BRILLIANT device that…yep…RECORDS MY THOUGHTS. I should then be able to edit and project them, just like regular film footage, and capture the wondrous grandeur of my imagination for all time! The only hitch is my total lack of liquid black rock. Every last drop of Great-Aunt Emma’s black rock has been used, whether for critical purposes (e.g., powering my Time-Out Machine or reuniting the severed halves of my personality) or trivial ones (e.g., making black dresses even blacker). Not even any dried flakes left to scrape together. Am regretting (as I knew I would) that I turned down Great-Aunt Lily’s offer to send me back to my own century with a big jar of HER black rock. But I guess that’s how things stand until I can summon some of my own.

  That doesn’t mean the ThoughtCorder is out of the question…it’s just gonna be tougher than it was when I had black rock. That stuff always seemed to bridge the gap for me between the arduous building and testing and finally getting a seemingly impossible teleportation/levitation/duplication device to work. Luckily, this whole drattzy self-homeschooling business has gotten me well-accustomed to long hours of difficult work. Cuz it’s gonna take a few (or a few dozen) before I have my ThoughtCorder.

  —But enough of this already! Back to the lab!

  Later

  Minor disaster. 13 milligrams of mercury fulminate exploding in my face was NOT what I really needed. Luckily I was wearing full riot gear. Still, my eyebrows are slightly scorched. Eardrums somewhat deafened. Cats are hiding under the bed…it’s their turn to be irked with ME, I guess!

  Small pothole on the road to success.

  Later

  Making progress! The recording mechanism is complete—that was the hard part. Had to scavenge some components from various older inventions, cook up a huge batch of aggrandamated mixolydium, and regulate my phasing spectroscope six times just to get to this point. Am taking a little break before I start building the projector!

  MUCH Later

  Oh framjoozles of joy! It took most of the night—but the magnificent ThoughtCorder is complete!

  Have not yet embarked on making my original independent film—but in t
he process of testing my extraordinary invention, I’ve already crafted the following satirical cinematic masterpieces:

  The ThoughtCorder!

  2013

  Requiem for a Nightmare

  There Will Be Even More Blood

  Lies About Cats and Dogs

  Girls in Black

  You Only Live Nine Times

  Where the Wild Things Bleed

  Eternal Midnight of the Creatively Cluttered Mind

  No Country for Old Cats

  The 13th Sense

  Dances with Zombies

  Three Men and a Zombie

  How to Train Your ZombieAlienNinjaYetiSpider Vampire-MonkeyDragon

  Note to self: Should add Satirical Cinematic Masterpieces to my course load next term. Seeing as how the course work is already done.

  May 11

  This is the strangest life I’ve ever known.

  —Jim Morrison

  OH GRAZZLES

  SUCH GOOD NEWS

  A VERRRRRRRRRY interesting item arrived in today’s mail. Here it is in all its glory:

  * * *

  Our dear great-niece:

  How we wish we could deliver this wonderful piece of news to you in person! But, alas, it must be from beyond the grave. Nevertheless, this is a momentous and happy occasion. Now that you have completed your studies of the History of the Strange Family, you have earned your full inheritance—control over the black rock! We salute your hard work and perseverance!

  Your personal source of black rock lies in Seasidetown. Lose no time in traveling hence and laying claim to your birthright!

  May your deepest wish be granted!

  Many blessings from

  your dead Great-Aunts

  * * *

  HOODLYHOODLYHOODLYHOOOOOOOO

  BLACK ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!

  I guess Great-Aunt Emma was right! These must be the instructions she hoped the Elder Aunts would send! Huh…they could’ve just had Great-Aunt Millie tell me. But I’m sure they have their reasons. Anyway—I’ve got plans to make! More later!

  Later

  Have shown the letter to Mom and Great-Aunt Millie. The conversation went a little bit like this Silly me. The conversation went EXACTLY like this, thanks to my lovely TranscriptoSpy.

  * * *

  Me

  So you didn’t know anything about this?

  Great-Aunt Millie

  (Real grumpy.)

  Theeeeeey neverrrrrrrr tellllllll meeeeeeeee annnnythinnng.

  Me

  There, there. Well, so, Patti, looks like I’m making a field trip to Seasidetown!

  Mom

  Um, can I just clarify one thing? You’re not going to 1790s Seasidetown again, are you?

  Me

  Oh becheezles no. I mean, this letter’s postmarked two days ago. And anyway, I want to check out present-day Seasidetown for a change.

  M.

  [Heaving sigh of relief.] Great, cuz, you know, I worry when you go time traveling. That whole parallel-universe thing really freaks me out.

  Me

  Yeah, it CAN be kinda unsettling, knowing that I could change some teeny aspect of the past, and then come home to a world where I have four WHITE cats, or my name is Cheery Sparkledaisy instead of Emily Strange, or—

  M.

  I was thinking more along the lines of you accidentally wiping out the human race or something of that magnitude. Not that you’d ever do THAT…

  Me

  Well, no. Not

  ACCIDENTALLY.

  M.

  Hmph!

  Me

  Anyhoozles, nice chatting with you two, but I have trunks to pack.

  M.

  Not so fast. Doesn’t it bother you that Great-Aunt Millie wasn’t aware of this letter? Or that you’d need to go to Seasidetown to get your inheritance?

  Me

  Well, not really. I mean, how many Dead Dark Aunts does it take to bestow an inheritance and write a 113-word letter?

  [Dropping my voice respectfully.]

  Y’know, like Aunt Millie said…maybe they DON’T tell her anything.

  M.

  Umm…right. Well, maybe I worry too much, but what about that Attikol guy you’ve told me about? Aren’t you worried he might be looking for black rock, too?

  Cheery Sparkledaisy!

  Good thing she’s only hypothetical.

  Me

  Oh, Patti, Patti, Patti. If there were even the tiniest threat from Attikol, the smallest evil thought in his little mind, Cousin Jakey would have warned me right away! I’ve told you how perfect a spy he is for me. He works in Attikol’s medicine show, so he’s always in close contact with the guy. And he’s a VERY sensitive psychic. Best of all, he DESPISES Attikol. But if it makes you feel any better, I’ll talk to him and make sure things are cool. Cool?

  M.

  I don’t know, E. I just don’t feel good about this.

  Me

  [Sighing.]

  You’re gonna make me play the Dark Girl card, aren’t you?

  M.

  I guess I am.

  Me

  Great-Aunt Millie, back me up here…aren’t unsupervised excursions an essential part of my education as a Dark Girl?

  G.A.M

  Yessssss…and I doooo belieeeve you arrrre meant to goooooo. But lisssssten to yourrrrr motherrrrr, Emmillllly, and uuuuse cautionnnnnnn!

  Me

  Gahhhh! You two. Did you both lose all sense of adventure when you turned fourteen?

  * * *

  Later

  Have worked everything out with Mom. She has agreed to my (UNSUPERVISED!) trip to Seasidetown, and I have agreed to do the following: A) update Raven’s bodyguard programming, B) get in touch with Jakey to make sure that things are cool and that my ancestral enemy is NOT up to anything nefarious, C) present my accomplishments in classes one through twelve before I leave, and D) complete a project on Strange Family History 101 (due when I get home, thankfully). Luckily, Mom was very impressed with my ThoughtCorder and decided to compromise on her original research paper plan. So my new assignment is to use the ThoughtCorder, with footage based on my experiences in Seasidetown, to document the grand invocation of my inheritance!

  Have already sent my psychic “Hey, what’s up with Attikol?” out to Jakey, wherever he may be, and am waiting for his call. Am going to work on Raven’s bodyguard programming now. No time to lose! BLACK ROCK AWAITS!!!!!!!

  Later

  Have made reservations at Seasidetown’s oldest hotel for May 13–26. Am allowing for twelve and a half days of unsupervised R & R & R (rowdiness & rebellion & reveling in my inheritance) and a half day of work on my documentary film project. Apparently most of the buildings in Seasidetown have been preserved in (or restored to) their Revolutionary-Era splendor, so I should find it much the same town that I saw in the 1790s. Minus my relations, who are long dead. Also, hopefully, minus the deadly white fever. ALSO, hopefully, PLUS modern conveniences like electricity, skateable pavement, drinkable water, and reliable sources of food.

  Later

  No message from Jakey. Called his phone. Voicemail. Will try again later.

  Later

  Have been practicing for my Krav Maga exhibition match with Raven and making sure her chauffeur programming is up to snuff. Here’s a short excerpt of our session:

  * * *

  Me

  [Eluding Raven’s attempt to put me in a hammerlock.] Raven! In which states can you turn right at a red light?

  Raven

  [Blocking a punch to the gut.] Uhhhh…all of them?

  Me

  [Diving between her ankles, twisting lithely, and delivering devastating strike to the left Achilles tendon.]

  I mean legally!

  R.

  [Pinning me to the ground under her foot and delivering rhythmic punches to my upper back.]

  Illinois, Kansas, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Oregon, South Carolina, Utah, Washington, and Wyoming!


  The victor!

  Me

  [Squirming free of her foot and pulling her to the ground with a death grip on her knee.]

  Correct! And how often do we stop for flea markets and thrift stores?

  R.

  [Displaying palms-up gesture as token of surrender.]

  ALWAYS!

  * * *

  Am VERY pleased to hear her giving accurate answers. Complete sentences are soon to follow.

  Later

  Am packing my trunks with necessary items for the trip, including, but not limited to, the following:

  13 identical black dresses

  Complete set of tools for golem maintenance just in case Raven has a breakdown

  Box o’ Costumes for myself and Raven (for purposes of General Mischief)

  Miscellaneous skeleton keys, bump keys, lock picks, tension tools, and other escape-oriented trinkets, in case of unexpected incarceration

  Skateboard, plus spare wheels/decks/trucks/bearings/grip tape for any necessary tune-ups

  Handy spyin’ periscope…never leave home without it

  Inflatable kiddie pool, in case I need to take a long soak in black rock

  Portable lab…for mad inventing on the go!

  Snake food (you just never know)

  Mom’s collection of antique punk rock mix tapes from the 1980s, and tape player

  Many TranscriptoSpies for use in miscellaneous surveillance and prankery

  Many, many containers of various sizes for black rock storage

  And of course the magnificent ThoughtCorder! Aside from being essential to my final project, it should come in handy in case the oldest hotel in Seasidetown happens to be equipped with television. Wouldn’t want to waste time on THAT nonsense.